Who Even Is Myself? And Other Thoughts Inspired by "Girls5Eva"
I'm not a formerly famous girl group singer but I'm also searching for my identity
I didn’t expect my favorite funny feminist show, Girls5Eva, which dropped its third season on Netflix in March (seasons 1 and 2 are also airing there), to have me relating to it so hard. After all, I can’t sing to save my life, and the show is about a formerly popular 90s girl group whose members are now middle-aged and trying to make a comeback.
In the new season, Summer (Busy Philipps) realizes, with some help from Dawn (Sara Bareilles), that for her whole life, she’s been a chameleon, changing her personality and clothing and interests to fit the men in her life—first her dad and his purity culture, then her manipulative music producer, then her ex, Kev, who was also in a boy band, and now, a new guy. “Who even is myself?” she asks, a question that’s basically one I’ve been asking myself the last few years. There’s even a ballad she sings, “Is There A Me?” (it’s best watched in the show so you get the chicken wing visual).
Essentially, it’s the question every memoir is also trying to answer, and so many of us, whether we’re writers, artists, creatives, or just people trying to figure out something that seems like it should be obvious, but in reality, often isn’t. Feminist porn pioneer Candida Royalle’s journal, toward the end of her life, included this line: “Still trying to unlock the key to myself.”
So am I. Who am I? Who was I? How did I get here and is this where I want to be? It’s taken me a while to write this because I’m not sure what the answers are to those questions. My entire forties so far have been a time of change and upheaval and rediscovery, all the more so in the last year.
Just over a year ago, someone I loved very much, who’d come back into my life in a huge way, with daily rapid-fire texts and sharing our most personal thoughts, died. That was brutal, and then I faced a family crisis that’s getting better but is still occupying a lot of my time and energy. I’ve had to refashion who I thought I was and my role as a family member.
Meanwhile, what I assume is perimenopause means my body is out of whack in so many ways, and hot flashes are the least of the issues. The hot flashes I more marvel at, and as someone who’s usually buried under a pile of blankets and wearing at least one sweater when I’m home, I don’t mind them that much, and am grateful that they’ve been relatively mild.
I don’t mind getting older in general, but I’ve become someone for whom “aches and pains” are a constant daily reminder of my body changing. I now soak my feet in epsom salts at night, and also someone try to walk five and often ten miles a day, which is not something I’ve done on purpose (life in New York often meant a lot of walking but my feet were never as beat up).
I’ve made some major changes to my professional life as well, cutting back on some of my freelance roles to prioritize my mental health. That’s always a tricky balancing act because less work means less money which can be stressful and therefore have the opposite of the intended effect, but it’s something I needed to do so I didn’t wake up in a panic every morning about my to-do list, and also to give myself time to do some of the more creative writing that, for me, needs time and space rather than a rushed hour of scribbling in between other projects.
In many ways, this feels like an in-between, limbo stage of middle age before I (hopefully) become a parent. I don’t know if or when that will happen, but I’m hopeful that it will, and have to be prepared for that step at any moment, while also trying to not obsess over it. That’s a tall order for someone like me, a die-hard planner, who loves to know exactly what’s going to be happening when as far into the future as I possibly can. Instead, I have to pretty much just focus on each day, with maybe a brief perusal of the next week and locking in any details for trips, like the one I have coming up in New York where I’ll be with Drew when he shows his artwork at Focus Art Fair.
The constants in my creative life, though, are reading and writing. I’ve been reading a lot, both on the treadmill, where I mainly read mysteries and romances (recently I’ve enjoyed mystery To Skip the Bonds of Earth by Amanda Flower, about Katherine Wright, sister of Orville and Wilbur Wright, and forthcoming queer food-themed romance Lavash at First Sight by Taleen Voskuni), fast-paced books that urge me to keep going longer than I would have if I were just staring at the wall, and at home, curled up under all those blankets.
I also read nonfiction, often memoirs; two I recommend are Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City by poet Jane Wong, about her upbringing as a “restaurant baby” and daughter of immigrants and her deep bond with her mother, and Christine Blasey Ford’s very powerful One Way Back. I’m diving into In Cold Blood by Truman Capote, and in honor of Kiki, I’m reading self-help book One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer, which she was a huge proponent of. I’m trying to take that book’s message to heart. The title pretty much says it all: instead of the all-or-nothing, dramatic goals I’m used to making, like “write an essay every day,” it’s about starting, doing something, even if that’s one sentence. I’m trying to keep top of mind, because even with my “You Are Worth More Than Your Productivity” print framed above my bed, it’s very easy for me to berate myself for not doing enough, and, therefore, not being enough.
So rather than try to end this on a tidy, perfect note, I’ll just encourage you, as I’m encouraging myself, to take it easy on yourself and celebrate any wins, even the tiniest ones, like getting through the day. These days, starting my morning by watering my new flowers is sometimes what I consider my first victory.
Looking for a sexy read? My collection of erotic stories Lap Dance Lust is out now print at Bookshop and Amazon (or your local bookstore or library) and ebook. Want to pen your own smut? Check out my craft guide How to Write Erotica in print at Bookshop and Amazon (or your local bookstore or library), ebook, and audio. See more of my erotica titles here.
I love Girls5Eva and related to a lot of it, although I am a lot older than they are.