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This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishes original essays.

I don’t believe that everyone should write or wants to write, but I do believe everyone can write. That principle has animated my entire career, from my own fledgling writings as a child and teenager, to my later work bringing together communities of writers and readers, whether at live readings for anthologies I was part of, including my very first anthology I was published in, Best Lesbian Erotica 2001, where we held a reading at Lower East Side bookstore Bluestockings, to my reading series In the Flesh, publishing over 750 authors in my anthologies, and now publishing essayists at .

Lately, I’ve heard several variations of the following from people I know:

“I wish I could write.”

“I can write for work, but I can’t write about my life.”

“I’ll never be a real writer.”

I’m not going to lie to you and say that writing is easy (and getting published certainly isn’t), though I do think expressing yourself via writing comes naturally to some people and to others, feels like pulling teeth. So here I want to emphasize that, while writing can be challenging, and is still something I often do essentially when I’ve put it off and off and off, writing can also be such a wonderful way to get at the heart of either who we are and what we believe (in nonfiction), or worlds that we want to create (in fiction). Rather than wondering whether you “can” write or about what people will think about your writing, first focus on what you want to say, and what your priorities are.

Based on having taught hundreds of students in writing classes, worked with dozens of authors on their manuscripts, and talking with friends and acquaintances, I’ve observed that one of the biggest fears people have is that their writing “won’t be good enough.”

My response to that is threefold:

First, “good enough” is a subjective standard. Yes, to get your work published in a publication, you will need someone else, and in many cases, multiple someone elses (someones else’s?), to deem your work acceptable for publication. But ultimately, that’s their opinion. If you keep trying, I firmly believe you will find a home for your writing, even if that’s a home you create for yourself. In 2023 there are so many ways to get your writing seen that I don’t think this is the best way to approach the question, especially if wondering whether your writing is “good enough” prevents you from actually making it better.

Of course a given piece of writing can always be improved upon, or changed, tweaked based on what you learn through the writing and revision process, your goals, and/or an editor’s decisions. I’m not saying you should slap down the first thoughts that pop into your head, send them off, and wash your hands of them. But on the other hand, I don’t think you should entirely rely on someone else’s external validation of “good enough” without first asking yourself if you think your work is “good enough,” if it’s said what you want to say, if it’s accomplished what you want to accomplish. Get feedback, ideally from more than one person, but also trust your own values and impulses. I think handing over the power to someone else to decide if your writing is “good enough” can be a fruitless endeavor if you don’t also hold that power for yourself.

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This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishers an original essay every week.

Last week I was on vacation in Portland, Oregon, visiting friends and family and taking some time for myself after what’s been a flurry of travel and deadlines and grief. I had an amazing trip and will at some point detail all the delicious foods I ate and other highlights, but for now I wanted to share some thoughts I had while I was there that I hope will continue to guide me (and what I hope is a new weekly structure for my newsletter).

The Portland Japanese Garden is absolutely stunning, and also steps away from the International Rose Test Garden, which I also visited. I would recommend putting the Japanese Garden high on your list of things to do in Portland. I got out of my Uber and the scent of nature and plants and flowers was so strong and welcoming. I had gotten there later than I planned to and was feeling a bit stressed about not having enough time but even though it was around four, and they close at six, it wound up bring perfect.

I had just visited a Japanese garden in Florida, when I attended my friend Kiki’s celebration of life. That had felt peaceful and joyous in some ways because I was with people who knew her, and I could take in them telling me that she had loved visiting that garden and simply acknowledge it as a fact. But when I walked into the Portland Japanese garden, I immediately wanted to cry. I felt so sad that she would never get to visit this garden, or Japan, a country I know she’d wanted to visit.

So I sat down on one of the many benches tucked away amid trees and greenery and I made a video I may post someday about what I was feeling, and kept walking. I wanted to visit all of the five gardens, and I didn’t mind if sometimes I got lost and wound up going down stairs and past waterfalls I’d already seen. I saw a group of three women trying to take a selfie and offered to snap one for them. I watched families trying to keep up with their small children. I marveled at the heights of some of the trees, and the longevity of a 300-year-old bonsai.

When I came across the koi fish, I watched their mouths open and close, their bodies gliding across the water, looking perfectly content. I don’t know much about koi fish, or any fish, really, so I don’t even know if they have the capacity for the concept of “content,” but as I watched them, I wondered whether life would be easier if I were a fish, and all I had to do was swim and forage for food. I thought about how sometimes it really sucks to be human and have so many feelings, and how sometimes those feelings, the ones you want to unburden, follow you even when all you want is to soak up some sunshine and nature and get lost in it.

It’s a total cliché, but a very true one: wherever you go, there you are. I was there, and I was sad and I kept walking and saw this sign about the koi. I stayed until I’d seen the entire garden (I think), and instead of buying a magnet in the gift shop, I bought a scarf, even though I’ve never owned a non-winter scarf before. I’ve been trying, especially this year, to embrace the new, whether it’s new hair or new projects or new fashion, but while also protecting and savoring what’s come before.

On my trip. I saw friends I’ve had for 25 years as well as newer friends from the writing world I’ve met online in the last year or two. I hung out with my cousin who’s only one years old, for whom almost everything is new, and delighted in showing her my earrings each morning (and amused when one morning I forgot to put them on and she pushed my hair back and looked for them).

I considered it a sign when I passed by a card store that I should stock up and keep sending cards as often as possible, simply because it makes me (and hopefully the recipient) happy. I ate ice cream as the main part of my lunch. I took a walk and got inspired by a gym I passed by to start using my kettlebells at home. I pushed my flight home one day later to a nonstop when I got worried about making my connection, and got help not having a meltdown about it from my more even-headed boyfriend.

I had some great conversations about ADHD that made me feel less alone, and inspired me to start a column I’ll be debuting this week (probably tomorrow, and then every Wednesday) called ADHD Brain Diaries; for now, I put an old essay that addresses the issue of ADHD medication and creativity. Only in the Japanese garden did I explicitly think, “I wish Kiki could have seen this,” but that refrain is pretty much now a permanent part of my mind and my heart. I wish she were here for the beauty and the mess, because she and I talked about both frequently.

I’m 99% she would have said something along the lines of the fact that I can’t have one without the other, and that ultimately, I probably wouldn’t want to. I probably would be bored if I were a fish, though maybe I wouldn’t know it. Either way, I can’t turn myself into a fish or turn off my heart or my mind, so I’m just trying to appreciate the complicatedness of being a human and all that entails.

What’s new:

Catch up on all the latest essays (and stay tuned for a new call for essays coming soon)

Essay Writing 101 Zoom class, Saturday, July 29, 1-3 pm ET/10 am-1 pm PT. $25/person.

Erotica Writing 101 Zoom class, Saturday, September 9, 1-3 pm ET/10 am-1 pm PT. $25/person.

My nonfiction guide How to Write Erotica is out now

My upcoming erotica anthology Sexy Strangers got a great review in Publishers Weekly

I’ve always thought that I wasn’t a tattoo person; there’s never been a single image I felt I must have on my body. But when my friend Sheela and a bunch of other cool ladies I know made plans to get tattoos while we were all in Chicago, I decided I wanted in on the action. I still couldn’t come up with an image that worked for me, until I realized that I’m not a visual person so much a word person. As a writer, words are what matter most to me; I stay up late at night reading, not watching TV. I remember quotes and song lyrics more than I remember movie scenes.

Once I decided I wanted a word, the one that came to mind was “open.” I tend to be extremely pessimistic, and when something goes wrong in my life, instead of trying to fix it or make it better, I assume there’s something wrong with me and that’s why the problem is occurring. This is especially the case with relationships. If someone breaks up with me, as happened in May, or just decides to stop talking to me altogether, I wonder not only what I did to cause them to not want me anymore, but I assume that other people I might date will also treat me that way. It’s a vicious cycle, and one I’d like to break.

That’s not fair to someone new I might meet, and I can’t judge person B for person A’s actions. The bottom line is I want to have an open mind and an open heart; that doesn’t mean I have to ignore the pain of those breakups, but that I can’t let them weigh me down and prevent me from being open to new possibilities. I yearn to be more of the world and less trapped in my often self-defeating mind. “Open” seemed like a hopeful, celebratory word.

I asked around and Twelve 28 Tattoo in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, within walking distance of my apartment, was recommended. I told my tattoo artist, Joy Rumore, I wanted “open” in script in dark purple, and she showed me a few designs. I chose my favorite, and on the appointed day, sat wearing a sweater backwards, leaving my back clear. “You have two jobs: to stay still and to breathe,” she told me. As it turns out, the latter was more challenging. I clutched a hardcover book in my lap, listening to the loud buzzing of the needle in my ear, biting my lip and trying not to whimper. About halfway through, I started to read the novel I was holding, and found myself able to get through it more easily (I was also offered the option of watching a movie on the TV in front of me).

Did it hurt? This is a question I supposed everyone with a tattoo gets asked, and my answer is: yes, but not exactly how I’d expected.

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This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishes an original essay every week.

Recently, I spoke to NYU journalism students on the ethics of writing essays, as part of a panel arranged by their professor. Exactly what we said I won’t repeat, but I will share that it was a deeply inspiring discussion for me, with some agreement and some disagreement among myself and my fellow essay panelists about exactly how to approach certain situations.

Ultimately, there’s so much about essay writing (and writing in general) that’s subjective. The “correct” answer will depend on a writer’s goals and desires, their comfort level in sharing parts of their lives, whether they plan to use their real name or a pseudonym, how the people in their life feel about being included in their essays, and many other factors.

A student asked a question about whether they would be hurting their future job prospects by writing about an aspect of their personal life. In this case, it was related to their health, but I think how I responded applies beyond the specifics of that situation. The fact of the matter is, someone might not hire you for a job for any number of reasons; it could be because you’ve written not about your own life, but been a journalist covering beats they found too racy.

I don’t think we should be so overly cautious about our writing that we talk ourselves out of writing about subjects that are important to us. That’s not to say you should always write about every thought that pops into your head. We were asked if we regret any of our personal essay writing, and while I don’t exactly regret anything, there are probably pieces I could have been more judicious with. I don’t there’s anything too embarrassing to write about in general, but where that line of what’s “too embarrassing” falls will depend on each individual.

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This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishes an original essay every week.

Recently I spent four days mostly at Brooklyn Navy Yard at The Other Art Fair supporting my boyfriend Drew’s artwork and talking to artists of all kinds, from photographers to ceramics to painters. I’m generally a very cerebral person who gets stuck in my head, who communicates almost entirely in words and writing, so being surrounded by people who are creative in other ways was very welcome. I bought a print of the above painting, “Pasta Girl,” by Elisa Valenti, a bowl by Jessamyn as a gift, and a fun, colorful print by Fiona Chinkan that reminded me of Keith Haring.

Here’s some of the artwork I especially liked and 3 things I learned at the art fair.

1. Everyone has a story

   Through the course of the art fair, I chatted with many of the artists, some about their work, some about their lives, some about both. There were artists from various countries, but mostly the United States, and each had a different reason for making their art. There was one artist from Switzerland, Johannes, whose work I walked by many times before stopping. When I did, his explanations of the meanings behind the artwork made me want to buy one in particular, with a little figure of a person surrounded by tiny balls made of styrofoam, indicative of a person with umpteen thoughts battling for attention in their mind.

2. Taste in art is subjective

   Just as with writing, or any other art form, there’s no telling who will gravitate toward your work and who won’t. What some people love, some people hate. You can’t take it personally because you can only control what you create, not the response to it. That’s a lesson I know intellectually, but sometimes forget as I sit down to write.

3. There are an infinite number of ways to make art

   After absorbing so many colors and materials and styles and approaches, it was all a bit overwhelming, but it reminded me that every person’s path to creating art is different. They all had different influences and reasons for making their art. Some were literal and some were abstract. Some had artist statements about what the art meant and others left that totally up to the viewer to determine for themselves. I found lots of personal takeaway for my writing by seeing over 100 artists all in one space, similar to a bookstore with hundreds of titles all competing for a shopper’s attention. Some caught my attention more than others, and in talking to various friends who visited, I got to see which ones caught their eye.

Link love

An excerpt about growing up in the Lyman Family cult from screenwriter and actress Guinevere Turner’s memoir When the World Didn’t End, at

“The Potential for Ants” by Meg Weber at - I was proud to publish this essay on parenting a teenager through a mental health crisis. I’m hoping to get to 500 subscribers by the end of May, so if you haven’t subscribed yet, please do!

A romance bookstore called Grump and Sunshine opened in Belfast, Maine! I’m spending a few days in Portland, Maine this summer and am hoping I can take a little detour to Belfast to check them out.

And Los Angeles area romance bookstore The Ripped Bodice is expanding to Park Slope, Brooklyn!

Vulture on NYC literary erotica readings

- I don’t remember exactly how I came across Emma Gannon but I’ve been so intrigued I subscribed and ordered her new book The Success Myth from the UK (I’m waiting for it to arrive). The idea that there’s more than one path to success and we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to arbitrary standards set by others resonates with me a lot.

My CBS Sunday Morning interview - in case you missed it. Thank you so much to everyone I’ve heard from. It was exciting to see it air, and I’m so thankful to the show for respectfully showing our home and relationship.

Books I’m reading

Yellowface by R. F. Kuang - I’m only a few chapters into this novel about a white woman who passes off her dead Asian friend’s novel as her own, and whoa. There’s so much about writing and ambition and race and what June will do to get ahead.

Sounds Like Titanic by Jessica Chiccehitto Hindman - The premise of this memoir is so bizarre I’ll just share the official description: “Sounds Like Titanic tells the unforgettable story of how Jessica Chiccehitto Hindman became a fake violinist. Struggling to pay her college tuition, Hindman accepts a dream position in an award-winning ensemble that brings ready money. But the ensemble is a sham. When the group performs, the microphones are off while the music—which sounds suspiciously like the soundtrack to the movie Titanic—blares from a hidden CD player. Hindman, who toured with the ensemble and its peculiar Composer for four years, writes with unflinching candor and humor about her surreal and quietly devastating odyssey. Sounds Like Titanic is at once a singular coming-of-age memoir about the lengths to which one woman goes to make ends meet and an incisive articulation of modern anxieties about gender, class, and ambition.”

Fairest by Meredith Talusan - we were just on a panel last night at NYU about the ethics of essay writing. I’ll share more about what I learned there but I also recommend this memoir, which I also think has an amazing cover. Publisher description: “A love story with the heart of Austen classics and a reflective journey of becoming that shift our own perceptions of romance, identity, gender, and the fairness of life.

Fairest is a memoir about a precocious boy with albinism, a "sun child" from a rural Philippine village, who would grow up to become a woman in America. Coping with the strain of parental neglect and the elusive promise of U.S. citizenship, Talusan found comfort from her devoted grandmother, a grounding force as she was treated by others with special preference or public curiosity. As an immigrant to the United States, Talusan came to be perceived as white, and further access to elite circles of privilege but required Talusan to navigate through the complex spheres of race, class, sexuality, and queerness. Questioning the boundaries of gender, Talusan realized she did not want to be confined to a prescribed role as a man, and transitioned to become a woman, despite the risk of losing a man she deeply loved. Throughout her journey, Talusan shares poignant and powerful episodes of desirability and love that will remind readers of works such as Call Me By Your Name and Giovanni's Room.”

What I’m watching

Somebody Somewhere (HBO) - I finally got to watch this show starring Bridget Everett, whose season 2 finale is Sunday night. Murray Hill is wonderful and it’s such a fascinating, queer show whose characters I instantly cared about.

Jane Fonda in Five Acts - I’ve been intrigued by Jane Fonda for a while, especially after watching her on Grace and Frankie. I learned so much about her, from her eating disorder to her various marriages and how each shaped her, but a few things that stood out were her ability to admit when she’s been wrong and own up to her flaws (such as her misgivings about having plastic surgery), her late-in-life deliberateness about how her career (earlier in her life she seems to be saying she was under the sway of diet drugs and bulimia or her various overbearing husbands, including Roger Vadim, Tom Hayden, and Ted Turner). She seems to have left Ted Turner not because of a major disagreement but to be her best self, and that need to finally chart her own path, more than anything, I found inspiring.

Bupkis (Peacock) - I just started watching this sitcom based on star Pete Davidson’s life and while it’s definitely over-the-top in parts, it’s got a great cast (Edie Falco as his mom, Joe Pesci as his grandfather) and I’m enjoying it so far.

Swedish Death Cleaning (Peacock) - I’ve only seen one episode (free whether you subscribe or not, as are many of Peacock’s shows) and wow, is it engaging. If you struggle with clutter or throwing things away, I highly recommend it! Plus the first episode had drag queens and penis memorabilia and a lounge singer looking to enjoy her fabulous life but downsize some of her stuff.

Where to find me

I’ll probably be taking a break from teaching writing classes in July and August while I do some summer traveling and work on other projects, and brainstorm some new classes I want to teach, including how to edit an anthology. So if you want to kick off your personal essay writing or erotica writing, consider taking one of these June classes.

June 11, 1-3 pm ET, Essay Writing 101 Zoom Class. $25/person. Limited to 20 people.

I’ve written essay for dozens of publications, including The Washington Post, CNN.com, Salon, SELF, Insider, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Village Voice, and more. In this class, I share what makes a good essay, offer examples of memorable essays, lead the class through writing prompts and provide feedback, plus all the benefits below. You can read testimonials by alumni of the class here.

Attendees will receive:

• Six in-class writing prompts for essays designed to appeal to editors; these can be completed and submitted for publication, if desired

• List of suggested reading and resources

• Submission tips from editors of personal essay publications

• Personalized feedback on work shared in class

• Lifetime access to Rachel’s curated list of 50+ essay markets and writing guidelines, which is periodically updated

• Invitation to private essay writing class alumni Slack channel

• Open submissions at any time to Rachel’s personal essay publication Open Secrets, which pays $100/essay

June 17, 3-5 pm ET, Erotica Writing 101 Zoom Class. $25/person. Limited to 50 people.

In this workshop Rachel Kramer Bussel, professional erotica writer, author of the nonfiction guide How to Write Erotica, and editor of over 70 erotica anthologies, such as The Big Book of Orgasms, Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica and the Best Women’s Erotica of the Year series, will take you through the ins and outs of modern erotic writing. Learn how to get started, find your voice, and write against type. You’ll discover how to incorporate everyday scenarios as well as outlandish fantasies into your writing, and make them fit for particular publications. She’ll also talk about submitting your work and keeping up with the thriving erotica market, including anthologies, ebooks and print books, apps, magazines and websites, as well as getting started with self-publishing, creating a pseudonym and building your author brand. Please have paper and writing implements or a computer to use for writing exercises. A bibliography with erotica resources will be provided.

In my essay writing classes, a question that often comes up is: “How can I write about my life while respecting the privacy of people in it?” In other words, how can I write in a completely honest, open way, expressing my deepest thoughts and feelings, without negatively impacting anyone else’s life?

I’m sorry to say that I don’t have a hard and fast answer, a simple rule or algorithm where you can plug in the specifics of your story and get an answer as to whether it’s “okay” to write about it. There’s no formula for calculating it, such as one-night stand, go for it, your children, verboten.

The messier, more complex answer is that how to write about people in your life is a deeply personal question every essayist and memoirist has to answer for themselves (and sometimes a legal team will weigh in). Some authors get around this by using a pseudonym, although not all publications allow writers to use pseudonyms. Some writers obscure either the specific facts of a situation or some of the key players involved. This is easier to do when writing about a person once, especially if you don’t have an ongoing personal relationship with them.

Below is how I approach writing about people in my life, which I’ve done in numerous essays for national publications and in my Thought Catalog book, Sex and Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays.

When it comes to writing about our families, friends, lovers, coworkers, neighbors, fellow congregants or club members or anyone who knows us in our day-to-day lives and who we interact with on an ongoing basis, there’s more potential for fallout. Feelings can easily get hurt, and the truth is, it doesn’t always matter how these people are portrayed. You may think you’re writing something utterly neutral, possibly even praiseworthy, but if you were to show it to the person beforehand, they very well might say, “I don’t care to be written about that way.” Or they may not want to be written about at all.

Does that mean you shouldn’t write about anyone else? No. Think about how devoid of insights the world would be without anyone writing about anything beyond their own thoughts and solo actions. We are social creatures, even us introverts, and our lives inevitably intersect with the lives of others to varying degrees.

My top three essay writing tips on how to write about others ethically are:

1. Think about why you’re writing about a person or event

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I have a running list in my head of topics I want to write about in this newsletter (and I welcome suggestions!)—starting a weekly list of what I’m reading/watching/listening to/attending and asking for recommendations, sharing past articles and essays and stories, writing tips, etc.—but this week, my world got upended when I found out one of the people I loved most in this world, my friend and ex-girlfriend, died. That’s been all I can think about since I heard the news, wishing so badly I could tell her one last silly pop culture morsel or news from my life. I’m so sad for all the things she’ll never get to experience but so glad she packed so much into her short life.

I don’t want to talk about her death this second, other than to say she was way too young and it’s so tragic and awful. But I do want to share why she was so special to me. A few weeks ago we did an Instagram Live together, which started as a way to show off the Page Six Six Six t shirts we bought to replace the ones we owned when we dated in 2003, but evolved into us just talking a mile a minute about anything and everything. We jumped around so much and I’d never done an Instagram Live like that so I couldn’t really tell how many people were watching, but definitely imagined viewers getting bored as we were in our own little world of memories and pop culture and self-help and all sorts of topics. We were catching up in real time even though we messaged and emailed every day for the last few months. Part of me wants to link to it but I’m not sure if it even saved, and that would be too painful right now. If you missed it, picture two women talking super fast and feeling like we were in a room together even though we were separate by many states.

She was the first one I told good news to, after my partner, and someone who intuitively understood me in a way only someone very good with people and who cares about you can. That ability seemed to start from when we first met at Telephone Bar in the East Village in 2003. I’ve talked about that meeting in interviews before, because my personal and professional lives have always been intertwined, but no more so than around meeting Kiki.

I wrote my erotica story, titled “Monica and Me,” and that was published in 2000. I did a reading for, I believe, another story, at this little bar, Telephone Bar. Who organized the reading and who else read that night is a blur to me, but I know someone’s hair caught on fire from a candle and I know she passed me a note that asked something like “Did you write the Monica story?”

I said yes, we went outside and talked, and basically never stopped. We went to drag queen bingo and saw the gay heavy metal band Pink Steel and may or may not have seen Mindy Kaling’s play Matt & Ben at P.S. 122, right near where she lived on 9th Street. We went to dinner with my family at Sammy’s Roumanian and stole a photo of Monica Lewinsky off the wall and joked that the giant bottles of diet Coke I carried around were our “baby.” We went to Butter in New York because we’d read about it and wore Page Six Six Six t-shirts because Britney Spears had, and went to some restaurant, I believe in Malibu, because she wanted to try to meet Jennifer Aniston.

Unlike my life now, we never stayed in. We were always out and about, taking advantage of being young in a New York City full of fun things to do. We did so many things together it’s a blur; I only remembered us going to a taping of The View by going through my photos. This one is a photo of a photo she kept that I saw in 2017 and was so touched that she’d saved it.

More recently, we would ask each other, “Were you at…?” Because 20 years is a long time and one of us would sometimes swear the other attended some event but the other one couldn’t remember. That didn’t matter, though.

There were a lot of other dramatic elements of our relationship but even after it ended, we still kept in touch, sometimes more often, sometimes less. We each found amazing partners and moved out of New York, me to New Jersey, her to Florida. I’d have to comb through my messages to see how exactly when we reconnected more recently.

We always kept in touch to some degree, but over the last few months, we were in almost constant contact. She was the first or second one I told about so much, and she recommended so many writers and books and shows and movies that I will now dig through and check out because I trusted her judgment and was always curious about what her mind gravitated toward. Whenever and however our reconnecting happened, we did basically pick up where we’d left off, but as friends. She was, and especially recently, became, a rare person who got me instinctively, in ways that felt so natural and right. I didn’t have to go into some huge elaboration about my inner workings, and had time for me, and cheered me on and believed in me, and I hope I did the same for her. I miss her so much and the biggest solace I’ve had this week has been from speaking with people who also loved her and sharing our memories.

She wrote me this card last week, with its giant “YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!” on the front, and the last line says, “Here’s to all the things that go right in life!” She underlined “right” but I can’t figure out how to do that here so I bolded it. She was congratulating me on a small professional success. I am going to think of her whenever things go right in my life.

She was beautiful inside and out, charismatic, vibrant, brilliant, with a mind so sharp and fast that took in so much information on a factual level but also had a huge amount of emotional intelligence. I was always sending her either podcast transcripts or summarizing podcasts because she didn’t listen to them for the most part, but did watch Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown on YouTube, and got me into it; she would have loved seeing Dr. Gabor Maté being interviewed.

I guess I’ll bring this full circle to a TV show recommendation that she was so passionate about I bumped it up to the top of my viewing list: Wellmania on Netflix, starring Celeste Barber. She was right—it’s hilarious and madcap and also has a deep heart (it’s a comedy, but have tissues handy). I will probably rewatch it at some point and smile and remember how much fun it was to share both our cultural obsessions and the deepest parts of our souls.

I will never forget her and I’ve been so touched hearing from people who met her once or a few times who also have strong memories of her. To everyone who cared about her, I send my love. Please take care of yourself and remember her essence, how vivid and lively and caring and passionate and compassionate she was.

I once wrote a poem about her, the only poem I’ve ever had published and maybe the only one I’ve written. I’m not seeing it in my email archives and it’s not online, but I remember it was about how bewitching she was. I loved that even though our relationship ended, we weren’t at the end of our friendship and deep connection. I hope we’re still not.

The book is a fascinating read that I urge you to check out, especially if you have ADHD, a mental health condition that plays a starring role in the book from page one, literally. That, plus her experiences as a rape survivor and having been kidnapped at the behest of her parents and taken to a series of “troubled teen” facilities, only escaping by her wits and street smart skills learned from clubbing, is quite a tale. (For more on the book, check out this episode of the excellent podcast Celebrity Memoir Book Club; I’ll be listening as soon as I turn the last page).

What I want to tell you about here that’s relevant if you write memoir and/or essays is this part of Paris: The Memoir which quotes the book Shortcut Your Startup: Speed Up Success with Unconventional Advice from the Trenches by Courtney Reum and Carter Reum, Paris’s husband. Yes, by the titlte of the book, which I haven’t read, it’s clear that the title is geared toward startups and businesspeople but I think this advice can work perfectly for writers mining their own lives for memoir and essay ideas, and that can also apply to freelance writers pitching journalistic articles. Paris writes that Courtney and Carter Reum serve up “three key questions before you start anything.”

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As a self-employed creative professional, I wear many hats: freelance journalist and essayist, anthology editor, website editor, copywriter, erotica and essay writing teacher, erotic writing consultant, among others. When I first got laid off from my full-ttime job as a magazine editor in 2011, I wasn’t sure what I’d do to pay my rent and other bills. I applied for unemployment and other full-time jobs; I got the former, but not the latter.

In the years since that fateful day, I’ve discovered new resources within myself as I’ve forged a balance between running my own business and working with words in creative ways. I used to resent many of the business obligations, feeling that the hours tending to tasks like bookkeeping or contracts (every time I write for a new publication, I have to fill out a 1099 with them) or taxes or creating images for social media or recording videos or submitting event listings, etc. I found these tasks tedious and frustrating, like they were getting in the way of my “real work.”

But the reality is, those tasks are just as much my “real work” as, say, writing this post or excavating my past in the form of an essay or reaching out to sources or studying a topic I want to write about. I can’t have a business that has grossed six figures for the psat few years without doing all the grunt work required of it (or farming that out, something I’ve tried on occasion but hasn’t suited my micromanaging self too well).

Lately, though, I’ve been itching for something new and dazzling, a project that is entirely mine, not beholden to anyone else. I didn’t know exactly what I was seeking until I was contacted by a Substack representative to talk about how I could improve this newsletter. As we spoke, and discussed what readers want, I returned to an idea that I’d assumed wasn’t actually feasible for someone whose time was already largely taken and who didn’t have a huge budget, just a dream.

An idea started to form, though, inspired by Sari Botton’s publications Oldster and Memoir Monday, both of which I read avidly whenever a new post is published, and often click through the links to read more and purchase books like Abigail Thomas’s Still Life at Eighty, which I gave to family members in their seventies and nineties as birthday gifts.

That idea soon beckoned to me with increasing urgency, and I decided to start a personal essay publication here on Substack called Open Secrets. Why “open secrets?” Well, the phrase had been rattling around in my mind for a while, perhaps as the title of an essay collection I haven’t even let myself dream of pitching. “Open” is basically my m.o. when it comes to my writing; I’ve been baring my inner thoughts in print for over three decades. While these days most of my writing is published online, as a teenager it was published in letters to the editor in outlets like The New York Times, Vogue, and my hometown newspaper.

And “Secrets” because I’ve found that whenever I share a secret, whether with a friend or write it for the world to see, what I receive in return is others sharing their own secrets. It’s almost like a peace offering, a bartering of the mind: I’ll give you a secret if you give me one right back.

While I had and have a bit of impostor syndrome around the administrative aspects of juggling a weekly publication and all it entails, and have so far failed to achieve all my plans for it, like issuing a press release and sharing each essay with every possible group that might enjoy it, I have been so heartened to read the feedback readers have shared about our first two essays: “Hoping for a Taylor Swift Fix” by Ellen Friedrichs, about a major grief anniversary, love, family, and trying to get Taylor Swift Eras tour tickets via Ticketmaster for her teenagers, whose father passed away ten years ago, and “The Stroke of a Pen” by Christina Berry, about having a stroke last year in her mid-forties and how that’s affected her life, health, reading, and her romance writing career.

Both wonderfully capture what I hope Open Secrets achieves: giving readers an intimate look at the author’s life, and, in turn, making them think about the author and themself in a new way. I hope you’ll join me in reading these essays, commenting, sharing, and perhaps even writing one yourself. Currently, submissions are closed to the public, but open to my Essay Writing 101 students and alumni.

I funded the first six months of Open Secrets myself ($200 for a designer to design the logo and $2,600 for the first 26 weeks of essays), and the rest will be funded by paying subscribers. So far, I have the funds to acquire 10 more essays, and hope to expand on that the more we publish. I began by reaching out to writers I know and admire, and have accumulated an impressive roster of talent who will be writing about a wide range of topics, from body image and eating disorders to sobriety and addiction, relationships, sex work, and much more.

You can subscribe for free to get a new essay in your inbox each Monday, or as a paid subscriber, which will get you access to additional content such as author audio and video Q&As, bonus posts, writing advice, chat threads, and more.

My essay, “I’m addicted to Google news alerts,” originally ran in 2015 in The Kernel, a publication by The Daily Dot. My editor was the wonderful Nico Lang, who told me in a later email, “I unabashedly loved your essay for the Kernel.”

This was my original pitch (note that I have a spelling error here; “disposable” should be “disposal”):

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This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishes an original essay every week.

One of the paradoxes of personal essays is that the author seems like they’re sharing every intimate detail about their lives relevant to the topic at hand. They’re taking readers into their minds and hearts and bedrooms and bathrooms and relationships. They’re confessing to misdeeds and flaws, often sharing things they haven’t told anyone (or very few people) in their private lives. The reader feels like they’re privvy to something special, and likely, they probably are.

Yet, of course, instead of literally sharing everything they were doing and thinking and feeling, essayists are always making choices about what to include and exclude, about how far to let the reader in, and where to shut that door and draw a little space around themself for privacy. It’s a line I walk every time I write an essay, and when I wrote my sex columns for The Village Voice and Philadelphia City Paper and The Frisky, and when I wrote about my dad’s alcoholism for Parade magazine when I was in college, and even now, when I post on social media. Because whereas my life has been pretty much an open book for over 30 years, since I was a teenager, that’s not the case for my partner, my family members, or many of my friends. I take their privacy seriously, while also being a fierce advocate for my own right to write what’s in my heart and mind.

I’m thinking about all of these issues as I prepare to launch my personal essay publication and Substack newsletter, Open Secrets. We launch Monday, April 3, and I’m so proud and excited to bring you a brand new essay every week, through at least September 2023 (I will run it indefinitely if I get enough paying subscribers to pay authors; I pay $100/essay on acceptance). I hope you’ll subscribe; there are free and paid options.

So today I’m going to share 20 of my favorite personal essays I’ve written. I’ve included links save for two that are offline because The Kernel and Lemondrop are no longer publishing; I’ll share them in full in my newsletter soon.

It’s been a doozy of a week and it’s only Wednesday, so I’m just sharing the links and snippets, but soon I’ll be detailing the backstory and inspiration for some of these essays and tips about how I sold them, for paying subscribers. So without further ado, 21 of my favorite personal essays about everything from hoarding to being an introvert to dating and finances and kink and jealousy and giggle incontinence (a term I learned from a reader after publishing) more.

HuffPost Personal, “The First Time I Peed On My Boyfriend’s Floor, I Was Mortified. Then It Kept Happening.”

Salon, “I’m a sex writer with a secret shame -- hoarding”

HuffPost Personal, “Want To Know Why People Stockpile Toilet Paper? I'm A Hoarder And I Have A Few Ideas.”

Refinery29, “The Beauty Of Not Sleeping Together” - my essay on sleeping in separate bedrooms

Washington Post, “I love my boyfriend, but I never want to get married”

SELF, “I Suddenly Stopped Being Kinky and I’m Not Sure Why”

Shondaland, “Why I Turned Down a Hoarding Reality Show”

The Girlfriend, “I Became An Introvert In My 40s”

Jezebel, “Loving My Body—Kinda, Sorta, Sometimes”

Salon, “Baby talk”

The Independent, “Kim and Kanye’s kids deserve better than this”

Business Insider, “After a friend my age died on my birthday, I bought life insurance — and even though my family said I shouldn't, I don't regret it”

Redbook, “Why My Boyfriend of 5 Years and I Only Have 5 Photos of the Two of Us Together”

The Goods, “The best $2,000 I ever spent: many, many rounds of bingo”

YouBeauty, “What I’ve Learned About Size and Body Image by Dating a Fat Man”

TueNight, “What I Learned From My Stalker”

BuzzFeed, “Why I’m Jealous of My Friend’s Unplanned Pregnancy”

The San Francisco Chronicle, "Nurturing Is Part of Fatherhood" (my very first essay published when I was 19)

The Toast, “You Can Have Too Many Books”

The Kernel, “I'm addicted to Google News Alerts”

Here’s the opening few paragraphs:

“Your Google alert on Paris Hilton just went off,” my boyfriend recently sneered at me, handing me my iPhone with disgust.

His reaction wasn’t so much about my following a star whose gossip currency has long since depreciated. He would have had the same reaction if the alert had been for “Carrie Brownstein,” “porn star,” “schadenfreude,” or “frosting”—all of which I have alerts for, along with 9,995 others. I would have even more, but Google only allows users a maximum of 10,000 alerts. No topic is too big (sex), too small (Serenity Prayer) or too odd (high fructose corn syrup) to pique my interest.

His repulsion was centered around the fact that in any given hour, I will likely receive at least a handful of such emails, which light up my phone in a way that would make a casual bystander think I’m popular. I’m not, but my inbox certainly is. In the last half hour, from 9 to 10 pm on a Thursday evening, I’ve received 26 alerts. I’ve learned such random factoids as: There’s a Bob’s Burgers-themed animated Sleater-Kinney video, Kelly Brook’s cleavage was “hard to miss,” and Virgin America had a good fourth quarter. None of them were of any particular urgency or relevance to my life (though the video amused me), but I still welcomed the information, because I don’t believe one can ever possess, in a literal sense, “too much” information.

Lemondrop, “Why I Got the Word ‘Open’ Tattooed On My Back”

Here’s the opening:

I'd always thought that I wasn't a tattoo person. There wasn't a single image I felt I had to have on my body. But when my friend Sheela and a bunch of other cool ladies I know made plans to get tattoos while we were all in Chicago, I decided I wanted in on the action.

I still couldn't come up with an image that worked for me, until I realized that I'm not a visual person so much as a word person. As a writer, words are what matter most to me; I stay up late at night reading, not watching TV. I remember quotes and song lyrics more than I remember movie scenes.

Once I decided I wanted a word, the one that came to mind was "open." I tend to be extremely pessimistic, and when something goes wrong in my life, instead of trying to fix it or make it better, I assume there's something wrong with me and that's why the problem is occurring.

This is especially the case with relationships. If someone breaks up with me, as happened in May, or just decides to stop talking to me altogether, I wonder not only what I did to cause them to not want me anymore, but I assume that other people I might date will also treat me that way. It's a vicious cycle, and one I'd like to break.

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Want to learn how to write and sell your own personal essays? Join me for my next Essay Writing 101 Zoom class, which is limited to 20 people. We will discuss what makes a powerful personal essay, write to prompts for six different types of essays and analyze examples of them, and cover how to submit essays to editors and how much you can earn, typically about $100 (what I pay for Open Secrets) to $1,000.

Essay Writing 101 class registrants also receive access to my private list of 50+ current essay markets with links to writing guidelines and editors to submit to, plus my commentary and advice on how to better your chances and have early and extended access to submitting essays to Open Secrets. After class, Essay Writing 101 alumni will receive an invitation to a private Slack channel where you can continue the conversations, share writing questions and news, and form a community with fellow essay writers. I will also share updates in the Slack channel about newly published essays to study and essay writing news.

Have questions about the class? Comment here or email me at mail at rachelkramerbussel.com with “Essay class” in the subject line and I’ll get back to you ASAP.

What are students saying about my Essay Writing 101 class?

Praise for Essay Writing 101:

“If you’re thinking about writing essays, Rachel Kramer Bussel’s essay class will give you the courage, the confidence and the know-how to start pitching. She brings a wealth of knowledge, resources and tips in a compact two-hour session, filled with prompts to start the writing process. Highly recommended.” — Suzanne Jefferies

“I have attended many creative nonfiction and essay writing workshops since 2020, and the one I took with Rachel Kramer Bussel is above and beyond the best I have been to. During the session, she offered personalized responses that carefully considered each of her students as serious writers and gave me the confidence to get even more stuff out into the world.

She balanced both the complexities of publishing with the intricacies of craft. The two-hour workshop helped us create new essays, edit ones in the works and send them to the world. Rachel is also a working writer who knows the ins and out of the industry, and her insight is unique, thoughtful, practical, and inspiring. So if you want to empower your words on the page, you better attend the next one.” — Gretchen Comcowich

“Here’s what I especially appreciated about the class: your coaching style that is listening for all the clues of what folks are saying and your uncanny ability to speak directly into anyone’s personal essay ideas. You had suggestions for publications, for other essays or pubs to read that were similarly themed, the suggestion of placement associated with holidays or dates.” — Teri McCormick Hinton

“Rachel shares terrific information and ideas with writers in her essay workshop. Her prompts lead in unexpected directions, and her thoughtful feedback provides new ways to structure and publish material. This workshop is highly recommended for both novice and experienced essayists.”  — Stella Fosse, author of Aphrodite’s Pen: The Power of Writing Erotica after Midlife

“Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Essay Writing 101 packs a lot of valuable information into a relatively short class! Thanks to thought-provoking writing prompts, insightful feedback from Rachel, a wealth of resources, and an inspiring group dynamic, I left this workshop with several potential topics and angles for essays and ideas about where I could pitch them. I feel more confident than ever to start submitting!” — Angie Reiber

“I took Rachel’s Essay Writing class to explore my creative side that had been long asleep. The class not only awoke my desire to write, but it opened up so many parts of my own personal story that I didn’t know were hidden there! Rachel is so supportive in her guidance and so generous with tips, structure and prompts. I highly recommend working with Rachel!” — Ati Egas

“Both of Rachel’s Erotic Writing and Essay Writing 101 classes were incredibly inspiring, informative, helpful and encouraging. The writing prompts given were very unique and fun, firing a creative writing process that has continued well after class. Rachel was incredibly supportive when students read aloud, giving excellent ideas, feedback and asked great questions to promote the process.  After class, Rachel’s emails have been full of incredibly useful information on publishing, insight and additional information that has been immensely helpful.” — Candice Leigh

Essay Writing 101 class details and registration here

This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishers an original essay every week.

First, if you’re new to my newsletter, welcome! I used to send this newsletter on a (mainly) monthly basis. I’m still sorting out what my newsletter will cover, but so far I know they’ll include writing tips and thoughts like the ones below, cultural offerings I’ve enjoyed, recommendations around writing and reading, and whatever else is on my mind. If there’s anything specific you’d like to see me write about, feel free to comment or drop me a line at mail at rachelkramerbussel.com

Now, onto my topic of the day: Writing about supposedly “private” topics that we’re taught we should be embarrassed about. Most of this can also apply to erotica but I’m going to focus on essays at the moment. They’ve been on my mind because starting in April I’m launching a personal project/experiment of a weekly Substack that will be publishing a new essay each week! It’s called Open Secrets and while there’s nothing up there yet (stay tuned!), I will be building it out over the next few weeks as I line up the first few months of essays. At some point I’ll also be opening up a public call for essays, and will be paying $100 an essay. As of now, Open Secrets will run from April-September, and hopefully longer depending on subscriptions. More on that soon.

Now on to embarrassing myself…As I teach my essay writing classes, I’ve been thinking more and more about what sets my essays apart, what the common denominator is, and the running theme through most, as far as I can tell, is that I’m willing to go there, to open the curtain/door/onion layer and bare the things that many of us are too afraid to share with the public. I’ve written about everything from handling dating while in six-figure debt to coming out as a hoarder (complete with photo!), being a book hoarder, and rejecting a hoarding reality TV show to no longer being kinky to trying to keep my binge eating a secret from my boyfriend to having the maximum number of Google Alerts. Sometimes I’ve turned a “negative” into a positive, such as my The Goods Best Money I Ever Spent Essay on loving bingo.

I always make it a point to make myself the butt of my jokes, the object of scrutiny, to start with my flaws. I don’t ever want it to seem like I’m glorifying “bad” behavior, but I also think it’s important to take away the shame of the things we vilify ourselves over, to defang all those voices that I have in my head telling me what a horrible person I am. Even now, those voices are loud and mean and haunting.

For instance, right this moment, it’s 3:48 a.m. I should be sleeping, and if I’m not, according to the therapist I’m paying $200/week to, I should be lying in the dark, saying a mantra related to rest. I should definitely NOT have my extremely bright bedside lamp on or an electronic device open. But my guilt over not sending my newsletter/ordering a gift for my mom/being behind on a deadline won out, and I decided to get started on this newsletter.

I can safely say from personal experience that when you write about these “shameful” topics (I’m putting “shameful” in quotes because I don’t believe they’re inherently shameful, but the shame society heaps on us for them is definitely real), people notice. Because topics like sex and money and mental health and disordered eating and so many others are considered private, and because so many people wonder about them “Is this normal?” when you share your own experiences, whether you’re in the trenches, or have changed your behavior/mindset and have a life lesson to teach, people pay attention. I know as a reader I do.

I recently read former iCarly star Jennette McCurdy’s excellent #1 New York Times bestselling memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died and have been thinking about it ever since. I believe she succeeded for two main reasons (aside from the fame she’d already accrued): 1. The title. It’s as provocative as a memoir title can get. It’s hard not to see the title and cover with her holding a pink urn and not have a reaction. It’s practically a litmus test asking the reader about their own relationship to their mothers. 2. The book backs up the promise of the title. Even if you go into it thinking, Her mom couldn’t have been that bad…, right away, you learn that yes, she was. She was so bad that she pushed her daughter to be a child actor at age six, despite her repeatedly telling her she didn’t want to. She tormented her with beauty rituals and sexual “exams” and introduced her to disordered eating (aka “calorie restriction”) at age 11 and encouraged her to look younger than her chronological age.

But that’s not all! Jennette McCurdy’s mom was also, at every turn, a selfish, whiny, bratty child in the body of a grown woman. She was a permanent underminer of her only daughter, who she basically saw as a living, breathing paycheck to support their whole family. She made Jennette feel guilty for having a different favorite color than her. That’s just one example of the “smaller” ways she utterly failed as a mom, but it struck me as one of the most insidious. What kind of person guilt trips another one for having differing tastes, for being an individual, especially a mom to a daughter? Only someone so selfish, insecure, and entitled that they think that person owes them every aspect of their personality.

Let me be perfectly clear: This kind of no-holds-barred writing isn’t for everyone. I’m not suggesting it is. Especially if you use your given and/or legal name, it’s practically guaranteed that someone you know will take issue with you baring your truths in writing, either because they feel implicated, they’re embarrassed on your behalf, or they just don’t think it’s appropriate. Every writer has to deal with that issue in their own way. But I fully believe we all have the right to tell our stories, if we want to. For me, doing so has been cathartic and powerful and lucrative. It’s helped me release my own shame and work out my culpability and seek paths to either embrace my behavior or change it.

Have questions about how to go about this kind of writing? Ask in the comments and I’ll do my best to answer!

Want to write an essay to submit to your dream publication and learn from me in a small group virtual setting? Take my September 2024 Writing Personal Essays for Publication Class! Registration is limited to 15 people.

Want to read dozens of fascinating essays? Check out my Substack personal essay magazine, Open Secrets.

Looking for a sexy read? My collection of erotic stories Lap Dance Lust is out now print at Bookshop and Amazon (or your local bookstore or library) and ebook. Want to pen your own smut? Check out my craft guide How to Write Erotica in print at Bookshop and Amazon (or your local bookstore or library), ebook, and audio. See more of my erotica titles here.