There's no such thing as "too embarrassing to write about"

Why I believe in pushing my boundaries as a writer, and how it helps me make more money

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash

This is my newsletter about my life, interests, and work, including my books, writing, and classes. To show your support consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For $5/month or $50/year, paid subscribers get access to my full archives. I hope you’ll also check out my Substack personal essay publication Open Secrets, which publishers an original essay every week.

First, if you’re new to my newsletter, welcome! I used to send this newsletter on a (mainly) monthly basis. I’m still sorting out what my newsletter will cover, but so far I know they’ll include writing tips and thoughts like the ones below, cultural offerings I’ve enjoyed, recommendations around writing and reading, and whatever else is on my mind. If there’s anything specific you’d like to see me write about, feel free to comment or drop me a line at mail at rachelkramerbussel.com

Now, onto my topic of the day: Writing about supposedly “private” topics that we’re taught we should be embarrassed about. Most of this can also apply to erotica but I’m going to focus on essays at the moment. They’ve been on my mind because starting in April I’m launching a personal project/experiment of a weekly Substack that will be publishing a new essay each week! It’s called Open Secrets and while there’s nothing up there yet (stay tuned!), I will be building it out over the next few weeks as I line up the first few months of essays. At some point I’ll also be opening up a public call for essays, and will be paying $100 an essay. As of now, Open Secrets will run from April-September, and hopefully longer depending on subscriptions. More on that soon.

Now on to embarrassing myself…As I teach my essay writing classes, I’ve been thinking more and more about what sets my essays apart, what the common denominator is, and the running theme through most, as far as I can tell, is that I’m willing to go there, to open the curtain/door/onion layer and bare the things that many of us are too afraid to share with the public. I’ve written about everything from handling dating while in six-figure debt to coming out as a hoarder (complete with photo!), being a book hoarder, and rejecting a hoarding reality TV show to no longer being kinky to trying to keep my binge eating a secret from my boyfriend to having the maximum number of Google Alerts. Sometimes I’ve turned a “negative” into a positive, such as my The Goods Best Money I Ever Spent Essay on loving bingo.

I always make it a point to make myself the butt of my jokes, the object of scrutiny, to start with my flaws. I don’t ever want it to seem like I’m glorifying “bad” behavior, but I also think it’s important to take away the shame of the things we vilify ourselves over, to defang all those voices that I have in my head telling me what a horrible person I am. Even now, those voices are loud and mean and haunting.

For instance, right this moment, it’s 3:48 a.m. I should be sleeping, and if I’m not, according to the therapist I’m paying $200/week to, I should be lying in the dark, saying a mantra related to rest. I should definitely NOT have my extremely bright bedside lamp on or an electronic device open. But my guilt over not sending my newsletter/ordering a gift for my mom/being behind on a deadline won out, and I decided to get started on this newsletter.

I can safely say from personal experience that when you write about these “shameful” topics (I’m putting “shameful” in quotes because I don’t believe they’re inherently shameful, but the shame society heaps on us for them is definitely real), people notice. Because topics like sex and money and mental health and disordered eating and so many others are considered private, and because so many people wonder about them “Is this normal?” when you share your own experiences, whether you’re in the trenches, or have changed your behavior/mindset and have a life lesson to teach, people pay attention. I know as a reader I do.

I recently read former iCarly star Jennette McCurdy’s excellent #1 New York Times bestselling memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died and have been thinking about it ever since. I believe she succeeded for two main reasons (aside from the fame she’d already accrued): 1. The title. It’s as provocative as a memoir title can get. It’s hard not to see the title and cover with her holding a pink urn and not have a reaction. It’s practically a litmus test asking the reader about their own relationship to their mothers. 2. The book backs up the promise of the title. Even if you go into it thinking, Her mom couldn’t have been that bad…, right away, you learn that yes, she was. She was so bad that she pushed her daughter to be a child actor at age six, despite her repeatedly telling her she didn’t want to. She tormented her with beauty rituals and sexual “exams” and introduced her to disordered eating (aka “calorie restriction”) at age 11 and encouraged her to look younger than her chronological age.

But that’s not all! Jennette McCurdy’s mom was also, at every turn, a selfish, whiny, bratty child in the body of a grown woman. She was a permanent underminer of her only daughter, who she basically saw as a living, breathing paycheck to support their whole family. She made Jennette feel guilty for having a different favorite color than her. That’s just one example of the “smaller” ways she utterly failed as a mom, but it struck me as one of the most insidious. What kind of person guilt trips another one for having differing tastes, for being an individual, especially a mom to a daughter? Only someone so selfish, insecure, and entitled that they think that person owes them every aspect of their personality.

Let me be perfectly clear: This kind of no-holds-barred writing isn’t for everyone. I’m not suggesting it is. Especially if you use your given and/or legal name, it’s practically guaranteed that someone you know will take issue with you baring your truths in writing, either because they feel implicated, they’re embarrassed on your behalf, or they just don’t think it’s appropriate. Every writer has to deal with that issue in their own way. But I fully believe we all have the right to tell our stories, if we want to. For me, doing so has been cathartic and powerful and lucrative. It’s helped me release my own shame and work out my culpability and seek paths to either embrace my behavior or change it.

Have questions about how to go about this kind of writing? Ask in the comments and I’ll do my best to answer!

Want to write an essay to submit to your dream publication and learn from me in a small group virtual setting? Take my September 2024 Writing Personal Essays for Publication Class! Registration is limited to 15 people.

Want to read dozens of fascinating essays? Check out my Substack personal essay magazine, Open Secrets.

Looking for a sexy read? My collection of erotic stories Lap Dance Lust is out now print at Bookshop and Amazon (or your local bookstore or library) and ebook. Want to pen your own smut? Check out my craft guide How to Write Erotica in print at Bookshop and Amazon (or your local bookstore or library), ebook, and audio. See more of my erotica titles here.